Long time

college life

Wow

Well its been a while since i last updated and i thought i should.

Nothing really has been going on. I had a great time in Italy and i made so many new friends. I was accepted to TCU. And i am hosting a Japanese host sister this summer. I have been visiting JD's mom a lot and she has given me so much of his stuff. I am grateful but it does make me sad. Especially when she gave me his graduation invititations. But overall i am good.

A-kon was good as well. I was able to see David, i wish i could have spent more time with him. But i was so happy to see him. I missed him so much. I saw Amy for a brief time as well. Two people i NEED to hang out over the summer is Amy and Lucy ^_^ I went to a-kon with Chance, Sania, and Lerin. Sania and Lerin did their own thing so i ended up spending most of my time with Chance. Which, didn't bothered me at all. I never really realized how blessed i was to have him as one of my best friends. I also got to see Jake again. I was also happy to see him. I spent most of my time with Chance and Jake. Sania and Lerin, mainly Sania, were worried about trying to see a guy they like that worked at the hotel. I was able to see Tanya as well. I wish i could have spent more time with her but, she had other things to worry about. During this time at a-kon, i realized how important or not important each of my friends are to me. Especially Chance, Jake and David. I realized that i depended so much on them more than i thought. I always thought i depended on Sania so much, but i realized  that i don't. I realized if i didn't have Chance in my life i would be lost. Thanks Chance for approving of everything. And i really hope it's not the end of me and David's friendship. I cherish it to much to lose it.

I hope everyone is okay. I need to hang out with you LUCY so give me a call sometime soon. ^_^ You too ALEXIS, if you still have a xanga.  

Well i guess i will tell how my week has been.

HELL.

Wednesday i went to visit JD's mother...how much that just tore me apart... I talked with her for a hour which was surprising since she didn't really know me... She showed pictures of JD to me when he was a baby...he was adorable...She also showed me the slide show that was played at his funeral...There were pictures of the two of us at the end...that made me cry...we were so happy back then...i am glad i had the chance to talk to her....my dance solo is for my grandmother, alex, and now JD...she will come see me perform it at my school on Feb. 28th...that means the world to me...

Thursday was JD's "celebration of life." It was nice...we laughed and cried...I opened the funeral...at the very begining i asked the audience to rise when the family was walking in and then i led the congregation to sing "Amazing Grace." I never want to start off a best friend's funeral again...I never cried so much in my life...I also met JD's real dad who JD hasn't seen since he was little...he thought i was his girlfriend...I do admit i did have feelings for him...but nothing ever happened...i do hope JD thought as me as one of his close friends...he meant alot to me...more than people would ever know...we only knew each other for 8-9 months...but in that time...he impacted my life in so many ways that most could never imagine...I can't think of anything i didn't like of JD...I can honestly say that i do love him...in different ways...I miss him so much... This whole week i have been crying myself to sleep...and each morning i wake the hole gets bigger and bigger...it's been a week and i still cry like it happened yesterday...It's always the good people that die...but i can honestly say i haven't cried like that for a very long time...i haven't cried so hard since...well i can't remember...but it really hurts...I haven't hurt this much for a while....i pray every time before i go to bed to wake up happy and everything right again and i wake up in the same nightmare... i don't know what to do anymore...I really can't take much more of this....I'm at the point that i don't want to do anything...not even dance...and i always turn to dancing to help me get through it...I honestly don't know what to do...I have never felt so weak and hopeless in my life...I took pride on how i could handle myself during funerals and during situations like this...hiding behind a mask...but almost everytime someone says his name i break down in tears....I'm so tired...so many things left unanswered...i'm scared...i've been crying myself to sleep since sunday...and each morning i just sit in the shower and realize the nightmare that i am playing in... I really don't know how to handle all of this anymore...I'm scared...tired...physically and emotionally...I know he would want me to live with him and so would his mom and my friends and family...but it hurts...I'm tired of losing everyone close to me...I would give my world to just to see him one more time and let him know how much he means to me...I miss him so much...i can't stand living in a nightmare anymore....